The Worst

I think some of the worst stoops that I recall come from when I was back in secondary school. Trust me, if you went to boarding school, things were really a hustle back in the days. Things like food were high up in the priority list because the school was extremely stingy with their food especially in my first year there. That's why most of us were very skinny back in the days, they used some serious portion control to keep us in check. Although some stubborn ones still found a way to be chubby or fat. This maybe a reason why two boys took it upon themselves to eat several loaves of bread that were for a number of other students. During the Ramadan period, Loyola used to cater for the Muslim students in our school by giving them an earlier breakfast than the other students so that they could fast properly and all. They would set the table up in the night so that in the morning, the students would have no hassle. It was usually at about 4am. Two boys obviously not satisfied by the buns and tea that was for night cap, proceeded to keep awake all night till it was time for the early breakfast. In fact, they woke up earlier because they devised a plan to steal 16loaves of bread. I don't know what hunger came over them but yeah they stooped and stole the 16loaves and ended up getting the beating of their life after leaving the students hungry. One of them didn't eat bread for a while. I'm sure when he saw the loaf he remembered the beat down he suffered because of one of 'its' brothers.

Don't even get me started on visiting days. We were beastly with our requests. Pizza, can drinks, rice, chicken etc. Some people even went as far as being specific. Get me tanta roll from tantalizers, get me this from chocolate royale, get me this from grand square. There were even some days that MacDonald's was available. Bare people scurried all over campus to get a peak of the big mac sandwich. Some parents honoured these request some didn't. By the time I got to SS1, my parents stopped  looking at the list. They would just come with a cooler of jollof rice and fish with some ice cream as desert. They said they were tired of running around Abuja picking up things that would land me in the sick bay the next day. It is not necessary to elaborate on the fact that those on detention the next day were made to clean up the toilets in the classroom area.Now I am looking back, I think that eat everything now or die attitude can be classified as a stoop.

Fast forward to 2010 and I am at a party with some of my friends. We came in a rented car while some of my other friends came to Nottingham with taxi and all that. At the end of the night, the five of us that came in a rented car were ready to go home when we were stopped by a mate of mine. He said that all the people he came in a cab with had left and he must follow us because he didn't want to enter a cab on his jays. I was bemused because the car only takes five people, but then he comes up with a stoop low idea to enter the boot. He ended up entering the trunk of the car from Nottingham to Loughborough for the 25minute drive to save his buck. He even went further to show us it wasn't a thing by sleeping. If the police stopped us, I don't know how we would have explained that it was his choice.

On a different note I have a story to deter those who enjoy picking their nose as a hobby. I have a mate who enjoys picking his nose. He enjoys it so much that he doesn't use only one finger. He invites the others to come and join him in there. He ends up using like three or four of his fingers to get a proper pick of the booger. He now has a big lump in there, from years of picking. Moral of this little story is please use a tissue.

I'm Getting Paper

Nobody can tell me that they have never been in a situation where they are broke or lower in cash than they normally are. Being broke is one of the most annoying situations that you can find yourself in. You keep going to the cash point hoping that your balance,by some miracle, is different from when you checked about five minutes ago. Some times the cash point might even add insult to injury and show account balance 200 and then available balance Nil. This usually happens when you have paid for something that's gone through but the company hasn't taken their money. Its so annoying, why can't they just take the money immediately?Bloody teases!

Anyway, being broke is the number one reason for people stooping low in life. One of the funniest things about some people is that when they are broke, that's when they appreciate their origins and cultures. This is when they start to crave groundnuts, garri, indomie,and the likes. Some people don't necessarily like these things but these are the closest available items to them. They'll say stuff like 'I just really want to soak garri right now'. Mostly a false statement, garri is cheap and available, Pizza hut is a bit out of  grasp at that moment. The worst is when you catch somebody 'soaking' garri twice in one day. There is no alibi for this one, your allowance has finished. You can't have that craving twice a day I don't think. People also do some dastard things in the name of preference. One guy once ordered a 'shot' of lemonade in the club, his excuse to  the bartender was that he doesn't want that much.yeah right. take the normal half pint of lemonade and waste the rest instead.

You also get people telling all sorts of lies. One of my mates once walked with a girl he fancied from the Union to the town centre in loughborough. Its about a 20minute trek and this particular night was cold. Luckily one of my friends has a ride, so I was driven home along with some mates. Anyway I accosted this boy and said to him ' Why you no use cab yesterday.are you skint?' He goes ' nah man, i just wanted fresh air'. The biggest lie of all ages. That same fresh air can be all up on you when you're in the cab and the windows are wound down. I don't think you get more fresh air just because you are walking a bastard long distance. Anyway to end the Convo, I told him he 'runs' this town. This person also decided to reduce the stoop boundaries by buying a veggie kebab the other day.I'll explain this. He came into mine and I saw him with one of these plastic containers that they put fast food in. When he opened it, I stared in disbelief. It was a Veggie Doner. It was literally lettuce, cucumber, tomatoes and cauliflower in pitta bread. He is not a vegetarian by the way. He just wanted to avoid the main part of the doner which is the meat. I think this doner was about fifty p. To even make it worse, he put chilli sauce on the vegetables.

Being broke is something that you can identify on a person when you first set eyes on them. You can notice someones big head, big nose and also the fact that the person must be broke. There are sometimes you can just tell that one is having it hard from their demeanour especially towards the end of the month. I went to A levels in a town where it doesn't matter if you're broke or not. You walk everywhere, food was given to us, the clubs were free and the drinks were mad cheap. Still some of us found it very possible to be broke.This was where I first noticed that you could identify a broke person. That's the worst kind of 'brokeness' is when you are not spending that much money and still broke. It was bad such that two of my friends found it difficult to get back to London for the half term festivities. One of them had to stay an extra day in school so that they would send him money to come back to London. Needless to say, He didn't set too much p that holiday.

Another bad situation to be broke is when you're in a relationship. Someone told me about this one couple, the boy was going through a rough patch and the girl was also in the same situation. These two used to alternate meals. So if the boy eats breakfast, then the girl will eat lunch and then feign a diet and both of them forfeit dinner.This is a massive stoop if it really occurred though. You should just take a break and then when the allowance drops, get back together. I wouldn't say that relationship is expensive but it definitely hard to have a relationship on a budget.

All in all, being broke is not the ideal situation for anyone but it will happen at some point. I think the key to life is to make being broke as rare an occurrence as possible.

They Stoop to Conquer

 It's funny how people who go to university together tend to have the same mannerisms, speech as well as habits. This is not always true but in loughborough, it is especially exemplified. This is because there is a certain way that majority of those in final year act as well as some of the second year boys who hang together. There is a certain wickedness to ourselves(for clarity, I will join the group) that has gone on right from my first year. You might not call it wickedness but you must therefore class it as stoopidity(I coined that). The reason I say it is because in loughborough, people are battling it out to be the poorest when normally the guys should be flossing to each other and generally being braggarts.
You may not understand what I mean yet so let me paint a picture for you.In London, you see that there is more of a balling mentality because everyone wants to be looked as a boss and everyone wants to be the alpha male. Bottles everywhere, rented cars, exclusive partying et al. In loughborough, no one seeks to be the alpha male. Acting poor is the order of the day. Four boys go to the student Union on campus. They have a swell time while boogieing inside and trying to meet girls. The problem arises when it is time to go home. Person A will first of all make the remark 'ah.I don't have money o'. Person B will also say the same thing. Therefore it is up to C and D to bear the cost. In any other town this will suffice as they will just pay for their other two mates. Not here mate! C and D in the borough will also say they have no money. The four of them would rather walk from campus back to town than contribute the 2pounds each that it will cost and therefore being wicked to themselves.It is cold and its a fifteen minute walk. Don't give me any bollocks about you liking to walk,it is just you not wanting anyone to 'freehouse' on your head.

A freehouse can be described as an inadvertent attempt to get another person to bear your costs or a purposeful means of getting another person to pay for you. Inadvertent freehouse is when you don't have money at the moment and you need someone to help you with an unforeseen cost. The purposeful Freehouse is also known as a stoop. Explain how a friend of mine came to the club with no wallet. Think of all the scenarios possible, that wallet was left home on purpose. You can't think of going to the club and not think of your wallet unless you work in that club. They don't serve free drinks in clubs and the entry is most definitely not free so forgetting that wallet is a purposeful attempt to use another persons head. Avoid being a waste and don't try this damn method again.

I also have another stoop story to tell. so basically this guy was meant to give one of his friends money on a friday as they agreed. So on friday, the friend comes to this debtors house to collect the owed amount. The debtor stoops so low to force himself into the deepest of slumbers so he will not have to pay that money at the moment. It was until the friend left that the debtor decided to wake up from this feigned slumber. It is okay for you to miss the persons call, but for you to render yourself useless all day is most defo a stoop. This debtor faked this sleep for like 4hours no lie because the friend was playing Fifa11 with a mutual friend. This is a real story by the way.

Bottom line is that a stoop does not mean one is poor but just means that one is willing to degrade himself on account of money. The lows that I have encountered in my last few years deserves more than a blog, i should start a full blown website to tackle and eradicate this vice that is engulfing some of my loved ones.lol

Don't Mouth Off

In the last few days, I have been asked what kind of blog I am running. Well I don't know what to classify it as but I think it should be understood as a light and satirical read when you have some spare time on your hands. In other words, I'm not so sure. Anyway, I just came from the barbers a few hours ago and he had a problem with affects a lot of people but is still so rampant. This man's mouth oozed so bad that I'm sure that was the instrument he used to cut my hair rather than the clipper.

Bad breath is a very heinous crime in my opinion that's why I stay conscious of any change in condition of my mouth because it is hard for anyone to let you know that your mouth is smelling. This is because even when it is said to you politely like 'this guy your mouth is smelling' or 'did you brush your teeth today', it can still feel like you are being slighted. Best way to solve the mess of bad breath is to start with the man in the mirror i.e ensure that you keep your mouth on lock down if you are not confident enough. In most cases when your mouth is smelling is when you want to talk more. The barber is saying to me 'boss, what do you want?Do you want a fade, same height,Mo...' before he completes the sentence I say scrape everything off before he gives me more options and manages to drown my nostrils with the smelliest mouth I have ever smelt. Trust me a sewage disposal truck got nothing on this dude.

The worst kind of bad breath is in the morning when you have just woken up and just stretching lightly. There was once when I was waking up and I tried to talk to one of my friends. As I uttered the first few words, he just gestured to me to hit the sink before any further info is given. This same friend was sleeping one day when  his brother decided to alert him on some important information. His brother just opened his mouth and my friend screamed and said 'I can't sleep'. This means that this breath woke his brother up from a realm that he cant go back to anymore. I was laughing my pants off that day still. I am not saying that one should brush his teeth once he wakes up but don't share any opinions till you fulfil this vital task .

Chigurl has already highlighted this point but its still neglected. There are some people out there who are negligent when it comes to brushing their teeth. When I was a young boy, my mum used to beg me to brush my teeth almost to the point of bribing me. It got so bad that i was purposely not brushing. So in my Js1, i will just wake up in the morning, shower and then head straight to the dining hall and drink the tea that they served us. This tea served as my own toothpaste and brush sad times till I was told by a friend that my mouth was not letting her concentrate. The moral of that story is that you should tell your friends if their mouth is not in the right condition. It  will help heal the world if you do because it will better help nostrils all over the world to function. I learnt that if you use your finger and touch the tip of your tongue and put it to your mouth, you will get an idea of what your breath smells like.

to borrow a line 'When you wake up in the morning, taiste a paiste so you're journey will never be in vain'

Musical Desires

This new post is inspired by a song I heard last night called motivation by Kelly Rowland ft Lil wayne. I have been feeling like some songs are definitely taking the listener into  a different realm and encouraging certain actions. I  listen to the lyrics of most of these songs but for some reason Kelly's song defo takes the cake on this one.To kick off the song she says 'oh lover don't you dare slow down, go longer you can last more rounds.Push harder, You're almost there now'. I dont know about you but there is only one thing that she can be talking about. She sure is not talking about a boxing bout and you can even see that she is warning him not to even try and dull her parole. She goes on to sing 'go lover, make mama proud.I dont wanna feel my legs'.Her desires have been laid bare with tha last request of hers. This song will be heard by a lot of minors and it is tantamount to actually telling us a sexual experience of hers. I'm not offended but  I feel that music is going down a path where soon the producer will make a beat and all the artiste will do is to moan over the beat so that they can actually get the listener to that 'zone' that they want us to go to.
She is not the only one that uses this technique to sell songs. The one and only trey songz is also guilty of 'sexifying' music. He is just the craziest man out there. Boasting about his prowess, trying to show girls his invention and ensuring that his name is entered into the heads of those who live around him. Is this really what music is about I say? Well music is about heart and If thats all that he is saying then yeah. On a different note if R kelly is the king of this, then keri hilson is the heir apparent. How can R Kelly, being a grown man that he is, pen that track that goes 'baby I just wanna get you pregnant'. How can he write this and it is accepted? Even if he is talking to his wife/girlfriend, is there really any need for us to  eavesdrop on the conversation or for us to be made aware of his plan to impregnate his wife.Nuff said. Keri Hilson must be the archetypal warri woman because she does not want to carry last on this issue o. She keeps releasing songs that blow your mind and calling her videos raunchy can never ever suffice.She sings 'tell me how you like it baby, do you want it fast or slow.Because i get so excited , when you're taking of my clothes'. She is defo ensuring that her inner freak indents on the track and truly wears her heart on her sleeve.

I don't have any beef with these musicians as they are very talented but I'm only questioning the direction that music is going to. That is why a pornstar called Brian Pumper can feel like it is okay for him to now become a rapper and he will then rap about what he knows best. I just think that if someone does not come out with 'Death of the too dirty Lyrics' (DOTTD) song, the boundaries of what you can say or what you can't say will continually be pushed. This has even been imbibed in Nigerian music as they too are feeling cocky enough to say whatever the hell they want. Master Flavour N'abania has a hit called Nwa baby. In this song he says 'nwa baby nyem ife gi'. This is ibo for baby girl, give me your thing/stuff. We must all get what he is asking for because it is not for her to give him her lace wrapper or so. Anyway, just like Wayne Rooney on the weekend, these musicians need to realise that their actions and songs are a motivation to a whole generation and will lead to a generation becoming freaks or perverts. If it is not thought about then we will tragically turn into a modern day sodom and gomorrah.

Ps:I didn't mention a thing about vybz kartel and all those dancehall/reggae guys. They are all bathing in the same aquas(to borrow a word from mr obaihiagbon) of lurid songs

Friends and Bants

There are many people in the world who like to be alone and do as if they have a great time when they are on their own. I say Nay. This is a lie because when I'm on my own, I didn't have fun. I end up sleeping, or setting 'accums or watching a movie. Maybe most of you do not set accums but the other two things are very popular options when one is alone.Setting accums is betting for those who do not know. So for this reason I have a lot of friends. Whether they are Hi/Bye kind of friends or actual chill out friends doesn't matter because I enjoy company.

My Current crop of friends in my Uni are very interesting. They say alot of dumb stuff as well as stuff that should be used as ones motivational statement. I am constantly laughing because they are ridiculously funny. Anyway Friend J is the funniest person in the world. He is constantly blaspheming when it comes to Christianity as well as asking very deep questions about his natural religion of Islam. For those of you who are sensitive about religion skip the next sentence as these are his opinions not mine(that's my disclaimer). He says that King James must have been smoking a whole lot of weed for him to have compiled the bible.I would like to think he is an atheist but i will settle for agnostic. He also always gives me stories about his family. I was insulting him one day and i was like 'I'll get with your Mum'. A normal response would have been you're mad or don't say that but instead he said  and i quote 'so you go stoop so low as to give my mum. aww dude you're nasty'.Enough said about that.lol. He also told me a story of once when they were having a family dinner and his dad cracked a self depreciating joke and everyone laughed at him. The dad was laughing at first but when  the laugh became too much he stopped laughing. He said everyone else got the point to stop except his mum who was still loling. And the next action that occurred was a hot slunch(slap and punch at the same time) to his mums face. In fact the slunch was so hot that he broke her plate. I find this so funny. He has so many stories, its hard to have a dull moment when he is there. My sisters find him so funny and are always inviting him over and no its not to give.
Friend A is the weirdest. He has a weird policy that sees him never wearing underwear. I find it weird because only last year he had chartered like 30pairs of boxers from Calvin Klein store only to discard them in favour of a raw approach under his jeans. He is unabashed and unapologetic about this approach. He even says 'The person wey invent boxers dey mad.wetin be the point?'. He is crazy trust me and he comes up with new words and phrases every day. He went out one day and came back to tell me a story about what happened in the club. He was fuming and said to me 'skels, you no go imagine wetin happen. I see this guy for club dey lovey jays one fat bitch.the guy dey mad'. Please interpret for me what lovey jays is and how it has become a verb.lol. He also has a brother who is my friend  as well. This boy has been called a hell spit by my friend J. J said that he is so ugly that he is a stone that was rejected from hell. That he was fashioned by the devil himself and spat out to become a circus freak on earth.Excessive exaggeration but funny nevertheless.

These are just two of the crazy bunch that I find myself entangled in. They also find a way to insult those who are not as aesthetically pleasing as others. They say 'wow she ugg' or 'my days he ugg'. There are even different levels of description of an 'ugg person'. If someone is ugly on  a small scale level you can just say 'she ugg stupid'. A level above this  is to say 'she ugg stupid' but when someones looks are taking piss out of your eyes then that person ugg catastrophic. There is one person i saw the other day on campus. She was so unpleasant that I had to check if it was april fools or halloween or some shiiii.


There are so many more friends that I will profile later but these two are the weirdest. Anyway I know what you want and I got what you need in the meantime. Ai Den B

Once Upon a Stoop

This is my second attempt at blogging and hopefully this will work out much better than my last attempt. The last blog I attempted was about the hopeful transformation into a muscular stud from an average joe. Unfortunately, that ship sailed as I realised that I didnt have the discipline at that point to match my desires. That blog was too content specific and thats why I have abandoned it in favour of a more general blog where I can write whatever as pertinent to me.

I feel that the title of my blog will be confusing to those who are not too familiar with me, so I will try to explain its meaning. Stoop is obviously an English word that is in the dictionary(feel free to check its meaning, this isnt a vocabulary blog) but it has been coined by some of my friends to mean a very condescending action in which ones human value is lowered. This just means doing something that can be classified as lowly in short a stoop. For better understanding ,I will illustrate with a few true life examples.

In my First year, there was one of my friends who committed what I would term a stoop. This friend of mine comes from a well to do family and as such had a large financial base. Anyway for whatever reason, he ended up being a a bit broke as we were about to embark on a journey to a neighbouring town about ten minutes away. He proceeded to buy a child ticket to our destination which worked out at about 60pence cheaper than the adult one hence why I termed it a stoop or a stoop low. Anyway while on the train, the ticket inspector comes along and checks everyone's tickets noting that this full fledged man was carrying a child ticket. He then proceeded to ask how old this my friend was, and he responded 13. Trust me this dude looks in no way 13. To cut a long story short, my friend ended up lying his way out of the situation and all this was done just to get a cheaper ticket. This is what I call a stoop.

A stoop low can come in different forms and different ways. Another stoop can be when a  person came to the bar when I was at a club one time and proceeded to ask for 'water on the rocks'. This is a stoop because he tried to come on an intelligent hype when he was really just trying to save his money. My other example is also from another friend of mine, so as you can tell 'stooping' is never to far away from me. We went to london for a friends dinner and at the end of this dinner, my friend had to pay for something that he had ordered. This coincidentally sparked the end of his money because this item was the same amount as the last bit of money he had for that month. Anyway, we went back to another friends house and he had a train to catch back to loughborough early the next money. He didnt have any money so he decided to 'stoop' and take money from his friends purse(coins if i must add) so he could get the bus to the train station and buy some coffee which would keep him awake till the train came. I found this so funny because he is naturally rich so to get to that kind of low was really funny to me.

This just helps me explain where i got my blog name from. I have a lot more 'stoops' that i will be sharing in due course.lol. Hopefully Ill have the motivation and free time that blogging requires. For now, I gast go and be useful.