Thursday, 7 November 2013

INSTAstoopendous

It has been a long time since I posted so I decided to let steam off from a busy day by sharing my insights on the deception from men and women in the cyber world. The good thing about the advent of apps like Twitter and Instagram is that they help form an alter ego which is an escape from your true person. I will therefore expand into the Insta Stoops as I call them because as a sometimes thirsty man, I have been disappointed.

Instagram filters are so powerful that they can make shrek look like Brad Pitt. They can give a 'six pack' to those searching for their first' pack', Biceps to the needy,as well as make a flat babe the shapiest thing since Toolz. The key to this Instagram deception ,that I am now learning, is the camera angle and body posturing. For girls, to create and illusion of being busty, the user is to place camera from an upward angle while wearing a camisole(sp) or a tank top of some sort. When I see that picture, I'm in awe and quickly like the picture only to be disappointed when i see the person in real life. Body Posturing is the biggest wash, a little arch in the back and voila and ass is available to the flat chicks.I'm not even hating on this hustle because packaging is the most important thing to create a different persona or enhance ones own. MY own is don't be so extra with the lies because one day you must come away from them lo-fi filters and we will see you in real life (insert emoji eyes here).

Guys please I have been watching you as well. You have your own means to trick the ladies. The short fellas never stoop and put full length pictures otherwise it will be obvious that they are not up to the kitchen cabinet. These lads give us picstitch of their heads,their shoes and then the upper torso. What we really want to see is all them parts as one to ascertain your height dude.Nothing wrong with being vertically challenged, I'm not a tall man myself. Those who are very dark will now be using some brightening techniques from our be funky app, but when i see you, you look like the original black diamond.

I'm not saying that you should not use filters or airbrushing but a complete misrepresentation of yourself for the sole purpose of likes or deception is a STOOP.




Disclaimer: this is not about anyone specifically but merely observations from my overall perusal of the app.

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Stoop 'tins'-

So I know that I have been on a hiatus from this but i had my exams then and then I proceeded to do my Masters.Anyway, I'm back now so yeah. While I was gone I  still kept my eyes peeled on all the shameless people who have refused to change their ways.

I will start with this babe who came to my friends house. We were just chilling playing Fifa and yarning as we do on a lowkey day. The babe had just finished smoking a cigarette and claimed that she needed to wash her hand. She went straight to the toilet to wash her hand and that's when the whole stoop 'tin' happened. The hand wash was little but it was the kind of thing that you could tip over and still get some liquid to come out. Oh but No this just wouldn't do for this babe she had to wash her hand to a certain specification. So what did she do, after looking around for a suitable substitute for the handwash, she looked down into the cabinet below. She then to my astonishment, pulled out a pack of DAZ(thats like ariel or omo for those who don't know) and poured a heap on her right hand. As if this was not enough, she decided to run some water on this particular hand of hers which im guessing was so it could lather or some bants. She scrubbed her hands thoroughly as if she was washing a dirty towel. This is totally unacceptable and if you would do the same as well then you should slap your self.

On a different day but in the same venue another babe was in the house. She was here for a  games night but she came across some lipstick that she liked on one of the tables in the parlour. I don't know how you try to check the colour as girls but what she did really took me by surprise. She used her index finger and smudged of the lipstick from the lipstick bants and decided to rub it on her wrist like she was trying out perfume. I confronted her and asked her what the hell she was doing. She even still had the effrontery to argue that what she did was right that she just wanted to check the colour. This was a stoop to me, I dont care if its not a stoop to you. Its never that serious to check ruby woo or whatever they call those things.

P.s shoutout to all those stooping on instagram.I'll elaborate in my next post..swaggy.


Monday, 5 December 2011

Aww Dude

There is no harm in being yourself or keeping it real. Sometimes though keeping it real may be just a tad bit too real and all. Sometimes when I hear something very ridiculous or something I can't believe i usually respond with 'Aww Dude' hence the title of this post.

The other day I was riding to Leicester with two of my friends and then  we were having a discussion about hot water and how cold it was. The conversation then veered to a level of how we were going to shower because there was no hot water in the building. Three of us decided to give our suggestions. The one who thought he had the brightest idea then goes 'Can't we boil water and then pour it into a bucket and use it'. I reply him very tersely 'There is no bucket in the house'. He then goes  'what about using a pot'. By pot he meant a cooking pot and I looked at him in disbelief and said 'aww dude, i haven't used pot to bath in my life and you want me to use pot in JAND'. Please people how can you use a pot to bath. To make matters worse, the pots in the house were all dirty so to follow his plan was to wash the pots, then pick the chosen bathing pot and then carry it to the shower. I was completely astonished by such a suggestion.

Moving on to a different situation is a very different situation.  This boy had a phone bill of 300pounds and decided not to pay/ could not pay for it. So he was using wifi, this means he could only connect in houses that had an Internet router. He then decided to visit his friend and of course there is no wifi on the trains so he couldn't tell whether his friend was home or not albeit the friend is usually at home. He then gets to the door and knocks for ages. The friend was not there and so there was no means of contacting him. This boy had to stoop so low to lean closely to the door of the house to get adequate wifi coverage from the house and contact his friend. His friend then came back and caught him leaning on the door and bbming. The lengths that people go these days to bbm..lol. The eventual outcome was that the boy had to go pay that bill in order to prevent a further stoop like that.

The last scene that I'm going to write about in this post has to do with the club. I have mentioned earlier in other posts that when you go to the club be prepared for the unexpected. I went for a party recently and beforehand it was clearly stated that normal entry was 7pounds and the VIP would be 20pounds. So advance warning was given to everyone. On my way to the cloakroom i saw a geezer walk in with just a single 5pound note hoping to enter. He was even pleading that it was his last cash. I was baffled. That is even lower than the standard entry and it means that he does not intend to have a drink, he is just around to listen to jams and cool off. This is shocking behaviour as far as I'm concerned. When you're super low on chips, please endeavour not to try and take this kind of piss that the aforementioned man did. You will not have cool fun and you will make a nuisance of the clubbing experience.

THE END.lol

Sunday, 17 July 2011

Aight then B

 The Graduation period is always a time of reflection on your time spent in that institution and also time to look forward to what one is going to do in  the next stage of their life. Congratulations to anyone graduating in 2011 whether its from Primary school or University or anywhere therein. As I graduate this week, I am part of this 2011 class.I would like to cast my mind back to a couple encounters within the last few weeks and maybe years that definitely have to be considered stoops.

My friend just told me about an episode that occurred when we were still in secondary school. He had a Nike bag that he had bought for use to carry his book and stationery and the likes. During Visiting days, People used to take some of their food from the day such as chocolates, cakes and the likes back to the hostel to eat at a future time although they were seen as contraband. So on this very visiting day, My friend left his bag somewhere and didn't find it again. He scoured every nook and cranny of the large loyola campus. He then decided to check all the boys hostel rooms and saw it one beside a popular seniors bed. He unzipped his bag to make sure that the contents were safe. Lo and behold he saw a 'nylon bag' filled to the brim with garri and also a piece of cake wrapped in some foil paper. Let me reiterate that all food items were contraband and could lead to suspension. So while I heard this story I could only help but ponder whether this boy was willing to risk his status as a student for garri not even chocolates or sweets. Second thing that came to my mind was this strange combination of garri and cake. Could the garri have been the main course and the cake the dessert or vice versa. Those two should not be smuggled together..ever

Another funny story is my friends father. He is on of the funniest people I've met but his stoop shows that everyone old or young, rich or poor are susceptible to stooping. When one wants to cut their nails or trim it, they generally  use nail cutters or those with bad habits will use their teeth and bite the excess off. In the case of my friends dad he uses 'Tiger razor blade' to cut his nails and he does it with so much precision that I was almost tempted to try it. This razor blade issue is funny because I hadn't seen him cut his nails but i saw the wrapper on the floor and asked who was using blade and was told he used it to cut his nails. He also christened me with a new name as if I don't have enough names or pseudo names already. I have been called 'kels'. s-kel, kele, somkele, esquel, somkie and more but nothing could prepare me for what he called me. I think he forgot my name for a second and wanted to tell me to run an errand. He then opened his mouth and called me 'kilishi'. I have been called a number of things but I think this name kilishi takes the prize. Not only can my name not be remembered but it is also similar to a hard edible piece of meat.

Friday, 24 June 2011

Stooperstars

I'm back people. I have been in exam mode but now I am don with it so back on the lookout I am. To borrow a coined phrase from my friend the below mentioned people are a few of the people I feel are Stooperstars in their own right.

I'll start of with my friend A. He was broke at some point after the summer because of his sheer negligence.Basically he was going to Nigeria and decided to empty all the money in his account.He forgot that he had some direct debits and so he entered an unplanned overdraft. Lloyds Bank charges about 10pound a day for unplanned overdraft and he was in Nigeria for 2months. It was a heck of a charge when he returned to the country anyway. So after he had paid the charge as well as the phone bill itself he didn't have a lot of money and he had to go back to uni for some reason a resit or something not too sure anymore. He heard through the grapevine that the uni was providing free coach for students from heathrow airport to loughborough. This boy stooped so low to go all the way from canary wharf to heathrow airport first of all on his oyster card and then made the 4 and a half hour journey back to loughborough. This is a total journey time of 6 hours within the same country just because of poverty. Its crazy...

When i was younger, My brother and I were just young stoops. I was chatting with him about some of the crazy stuff we did and its so hilarious i decided to share it. We used to play this thing called counter soccer on the floor of our room. We would cover every aspect of the game. Building stadiums with our Lego blocks, commentating as well as playing, even turning on the AC when it was a winter time match.sigh* We even went as far as making movies with the toys we had. I remember one piggish looking toy that I had back in the day. It was the most over used toy we had even going on to win so many academy awards(yeah we even staged the academy awards). We used it so much that even after the head fell of this damn pig was still acting and still winning these awards. It was acting as Brad Pitt in some 'films' and then as Quasimodo in some, that's versatility.We were young and stoopid really...

On a less personal level I am going to call out Terry G. He is a super talented producer and something fresh in the nigerian music scene but this man is nothing short of a stoop. In his song "akpako master" , he was actually ringing a bell. Yes! a damn secondary school bell. He was just sounding like a ritualist doctor on this one and even has the look to match,. I must say that is a catchy tune. I can imagine him in thew booth saying 'o boy ring that bell again' and then putting down his vocals. The mad man..
AY the comedian is a also a funny man of very little shame. I went for a show of his and this grown as man was jumping up and down in white garments and ringing a bell and acting like a clairvoyant. It was a bit funny but if that was me and i was looking back at the footage i would be super embarrassed.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

GATS

I haven't been able to put up new material because people are watching their back out here in the ends but I have put my nose to the ground to fish out some of those people that are still stooping even with the stoop police(me) blaring their sirens around. For clarification, not everything is a stoop even though I'm guilty of this. One of my friends said I was stooping the other day because I called on the security guard to stop a fight that was going on behind me. I was on a chill that night that's why i didn't want any broken bottles behind me. I didn't stoop and I didn't snitch like he said, I merely alerted her attention(yes her!) to a ruckus in my vicinity.

On a different note, I am all for people being nice to animals and all but some people are defo pushing my buttons. I have a friend who recently adopted two frogs. yes two frogs. He even bought a crib for the damn creatures as well as food for them to be eating when he himself has not guaranteed that he Will have his complete meal rations for the day. He even stooped even lower to name these creatures.  Their names are Freddy and Francine, I'm not even sure how he determined one was a girl. If he expected it closely to decide then he is mad. This practice is not new but is usually by girls. Someone I know used to play with frogs when she was younger. She used to wait for it to rain and then stoop so low to enter the swampy areas and then pick up tadpoles and froggy like creatures. She would then put this under her desk when she was in class. It was all good till one day when the frog was fed up of being in hiding under the desk and then lept out into view of her mates. Needless to say she was looked at as a crazy fellow. I always make sure she is indoors when it rains. Please people stick to the normal dog and ps. Cats are not even in my mind because of the numerous Nigerian movies that i watched that had witches who could transform to cats. When i see a black cat I suspect its a witch called imelda or something..

Its very crazy when you know that someone you're calling is not picking up on purpose. I have this friend who when I call him in the morning he never picks up and then calls me back like %hours later saying he was sleeping. This is a damn lie, I know he can see that call and is purposely airing my calls as if I'm a chick blowing up his phone. Even my brother is always airing my calls and then calls me back a week or two later asking whats good. whatever was good, was good two weeks ago i always say to him. In defence of those who do this, they might be busy at that point which is why i caught one of my friends in the toilet without any loo roll. He was so pressed that he burst in there not knowing that he was broke(I.e no paper..lol) and i saw him pacing about tryna think of how he would sort himself out.I ended up going to buy tissue for him but that was an incredible stoop.

Time to get back to revision though, I'll be back when the loughborough massive do what they do best which is Stooping!!!

Monday, 9 May 2011

Na so Craze dey start

The recent delay in posts has been due to my seriously packed schedule as i am in final year not that people have not stooped to their usual lows in the past couple of weeks. Stooping happens everyday and once i see it ill be sure to update, apologies anyway.

I was being screamed at by two of my mates about me being crazy and how I don't act in the normal way that people act. I vehemently denied and then accused both of these men of being equally crazy even if not crazy then 'na so craze dey start'.I'll highlight two stories of my friends to expatiate on this point. One day my friend was chilling in his room and then woke up to someone dressed in white and swaying from left to right and with a white clothe over the head. From the body shape you could tell that it was a girl and she was grunting and making other animal sounds. Anyway he woke up from sleep and decked her to pieces. He actually smashed her through the wardrobe and other parts of her body strewn around the room and eventually booting her out the door.I don't know if this is a normal reaction but i'm sure i would have acted different to this drunk babe. ;) .  I asked him why he did it and he said he was scared. I make sure not watch scary movies with him as a result of this.
Crazy Story number two may not be too nice for the PETA advocates or the fainthearted. A man tied his dog to my friends postbox at his house because it is next to a popular store. This tiny cute dog was barking around 7am because dogs usually do that. My friend was tossing and turning and could not get back to sleep because of the dogs barks. He got up and headed straight from the bed going to challenge this canine head long. Upon sight of the dog, he kicked the dog of its leash and all the way to the other side of the road. With the owner shouting helplessly at him and promising to report him to animal rights groups in the town.My friend responded by saying if they all brought their dogs, he would kick them out as well. If this is not crazy, then i am absolutely lost for words.

On another note, I saw the ugliest man ever today. Dude was definitely joking around coming out  looking like that.IT was a mugshot and he was in jail so i guess he must have committed some serious crime for looking ugg bastard like that. He is the kind of person making some Segun Arinze confident again..