Monday, 8 May 2017

Don't Burst My Brain

 Week 6 in Lagos and I am really struggling to comprehend where all you staunch Lagosians get your energy from. There is always something going on out here and never on a small scale. Weddings on a grand scale, birthdays on a grand scale, funerals on a grand scale, even going for drinks is on a grand scale. I tire o!

Anyway kicking off this edition of stoops is a story that I heard from a friend about rocks on a grand scale.
So this guy had gone for a night out and was super lit at the end of the night. Instead of getting in a cab or being driven, he decided he was going to drive himself home. As he started his commute,it started raining and if you know Lagos, you know the rain does not play even with Noah. To add to this rain, his windshield wipers were not working so he was basically driving blind. After a while he realised that the lights from other cars were blinding, which is when he realised he was driving on the other side of the road. He had two options, either bash into an oncoming car or give them gutter levels and he chose the latter. Fast forward to 5 minutes later, he was in the gutter and had blood on his forehead and bants. He opened his eyes to see 20 men outside and all signalling him to wind down his windows (If you also know Lagos, there is no bigger gathering of Alaye boys than  a car is in distress). He was panicking, but in his stupor decided that maybe they were trying to help him and wound down. He was alarmed when the 20 pair of hands reached him and started moving all possible goods inside (he is still in his car in the gutter by the way). He managed to hold his laptop and tried to swat one of his assailants with it( he is still in his car in the gutter by the way). Sha, some of them ran away and he wound up the hands of those who refused to fade. After they shouted in agony for a few seconds, he let go and three of them helped him out for a fee. He proceeded to continue driving (I know, nuts!). After a few short yards, he entered another gutter. This time around he leapt out of the window on some action rocks and wanted to push out the car on his own. Imagine him, in his white trad, in the gutter, trying to push a car alone, in the rain. Anyway, he managed to get hold of a tow truck and it towed his car to his house. This is 4.15am. He walks straight to his dad, blood on forehead, gutter juices on his trad and says "Dad, I need 15k for the tow truck". Don't Burst My Brain

Secondly, let me speak on another issue. Some of our Nigerian parents never realise how old we are till we are in marital homes and this applies to men and women. I was with a group of friends recently and one of us got a call from his dad. Ring, Ring and he picks up the phone. The first thing he hears is "Come Here". No hello, no greeting, just straight to the point. It got me so baffled. Firstly,Where is here? It could literally be anywhere in the world. Secondly, where does he think my friend is? Thirdly, Come on, this is a grown man.Lol. Anyway, it turns out it wasn't for anything important. His father just wanted him close by. Don't Burst My Brain.

Thirdly, let me briefly touch on support staff in Lagos. By this I mean, gatemen, security staff, bouncers and professional car parkers. These guys will do and say anything to get a dollar out of you. There is no name I haven't heard in these 6weeks and it's all for the paper."Ah Golden Boy","OBO", "Tuale your Excellency", "D'prince". I will just be listening and thinking this is a well oiled machine in action . If you get lost in the sauce and give them money, just know the next person behind you is going to get the same hailings. These guys are better at 'Washing" than the so called Yoruba Demons. Don't be fooled. Once they get their dough, your just another Lagosian to them.

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