Don't Burst My Brain

 Week 6 in Lagos and I am really struggling to comprehend where all you staunch Lagosians get your energy from. There is always something going on out here and never on a small scale. Weddings on a grand scale, birthdays on a grand scale, funerals on a grand scale, even going for drinks is on a grand scale. I tire o!

Anyway kicking off this edition of stoops is a story that I heard from a friend about rocks on a grand scale.
So this guy had gone for a night out and was super lit at the end of the night. Instead of getting in a cab or being driven, he decided he was going to drive himself home. As he started his commute,it started raining and if you know Lagos, you know the rain does not play even with Noah. To add to this rain, his windshield wipers were not working so he was basically driving blind. After a while he realised that the lights from other cars were blinding, which is when he realised he was driving on the other side of the road. He had two options, either bash into an oncoming car or give them gutter levels and he chose the latter. Fast forward to 5 minutes later, he was in the gutter and had blood on his forehead and bants. He opened his eyes to see 20 men outside and all signalling him to wind down his windows (If you also know Lagos, there is no bigger gathering of Alaye boys than  a car is in distress). He was panicking, but in his stupor decided that maybe they were trying to help him and wound down. He was alarmed when the 20 pair of hands reached him and started moving all possible goods inside (he is still in his car in the gutter by the way). He managed to hold his laptop and tried to swat one of his assailants with it( he is still in his car in the gutter by the way). Sha, some of them ran away and he wound up the hands of those who refused to fade. After they shouted in agony for a few seconds, he let go and three of them helped him out for a fee. He proceeded to continue driving (I know, nuts!). After a few short yards, he entered another gutter. This time around he leapt out of the window on some action rocks and wanted to push out the car on his own. Imagine him, in his white trad, in the gutter, trying to push a car alone, in the rain. Anyway, he managed to get hold of a tow truck and it towed his car to his house. This is 4.15am. He walks straight to his dad, blood on forehead, gutter juices on his trad and says "Dad, I need 15k for the tow truck". Don't Burst My Brain

Secondly, let me speak on another issue. Some of our Nigerian parents never realise how old we are till we are in marital homes and this applies to men and women. I was with a group of friends recently and one of us got a call from his dad. Ring, Ring and he picks up the phone. The first thing he hears is "Come Here". No hello, no greeting, just straight to the point. It got me so baffled. Firstly,Where is here? It could literally be anywhere in the world. Secondly, where does he think my friend is? Thirdly, Come on, this is a grown man.Lol. Anyway, it turns out it wasn't for anything important. His father just wanted him close by. Don't Burst My Brain.

Thirdly, let me briefly touch on support staff in Lagos. By this I mean, gatemen, security staff, bouncers and professional car parkers. These guys will do and say anything to get a dollar out of you. There is no name I haven't heard in these 6weeks and it's all for the paper."Ah Golden Boy","OBO", "Tuale your Excellency", "D'prince". I will just be listening and thinking this is a well oiled machine in action . If you get lost in the sauce and give them money, just know the next person behind you is going to get the same hailings. These guys are better at 'Washing" than the so called Yoruba Demons. Don't be fooled. Once they get their dough, your just another Lagosian to them.

Coming to Nigeria: Wawu

The hiatus from blogging has been necessitated by my growth from university to being a full fledged man (at least I hope). Nevertheless, my humourous take on otherwise pathetic or sometimes serious situations is not going anwhere any time soon. So permit me to share part of my three week journey as the newest IJGB(oshe!) in Lagos.
For years I have always wanted to live in Lagos. I mean I was practically born in Lagos but since  secondary school, my time in Lagos has been limited to short bursts. I always know that I'm headed back to Abuja or London. So on March 30th, I landed in the city of Lagos as a grown man  ready to join the explosive people in Lagos to "blow". I do not need to go through the usual Murtala Mohammed Airport shenanigans but I will so that I can paint a picture. Whiffs and tangs of body odor, the ever vigilant mind to prevent the next man from shunting, heat from the deepest part of hell, 'trolley holders' desperate to help with luggage, Jidenna in the corner realising that this isn't the place for a Classic man, Immigration officials with cursory looks at your documents, and so on. Inspite of this, I was happy to be in the city of Champions.

My first observation is that owning a dog is now in fashion not Bingos and the Rottweilers I'm used to, but all types of dogs with fancy names and fancy looks. This brings me to my first stoop. A friend of mine decided that he was going to join the dog club as it was something he had spoken about for a long time. He bought a dog but for the sake of anonymity I wont reveal the breed. From Day one, the dog had been sick and poorly. Infact I told him point blank that he bought a dead dog. The first time the dog was taken to the vet, it had some bugs on its skin, second time it turned out a disease was making the dog paralysed and on its third visit, it truly was a dead dog. He then put on his  snapchat saying RIP to the dog, but I had already told him it was an imminent result. So desperate was he to get a dog, that he bought a corpse to start with. As we speak he is waiting on a new litter from the dead ones mum so that he can replace it. Hope lightning wont strike twice in the same place.

Second observation is that  the customer service in Lagos is on a next level. I went to some store to get a few things in V.I. I 'placed my focus' on one of the workers and told him what I wanted from the store. I then turned around and was telling a friend about some funny gist. As I was speaking, I heard a laugh that I was unfamiliar with, in perfect timing with what I was saying. I looked back and realised that the shop attendant hadn't even dealt with my request but was 'pon his knees guffawing. I looked at him and then he embarrassed, decided to finally treat my request. I told him "Uche face your work o". Anyway thats Customer service for you here. They act like they are doing the customer a favour as opposed to how it should really be .

Final observation on this post is that  the bouncers in Lagos really feel like they are Emperor Caesar (collectively that is). I went to GATP on one of these sundays just to see how it all is now because I remember going for the first ever one. I had "baffed" up looking like one janded guy looking to show them in Lagos that we 'ouchea' for real. As I was approaching the door, the bouncer placed a firm hand on the middle of my chest basically halting my movement. I couldnt believe it. Not even a question, not even a chance to plead my case, not even a look at my decking, not even a look at the pattern carefully drawn in my hair, I was shut down. He looked so proud of himself that he had the keys the keys the keys, to my entry. I just walked away and ended up somewhere else. I haven't been bounced in years so that helped remind me that truly I was truly IN Lagos.

Anyway, I am now on my first month and believe my honeymoon period is over. I expect more brutal incidences in future posts.