Aww Dude

There is no harm in being yourself or keeping it real. Sometimes though keeping it real may be just a tad bit too real and all. Sometimes when I hear something very ridiculous or something I can't believe i usually respond with 'Aww Dude' hence the title of this post.

The other day I was riding to Leicester with two of my friends and then  we were having a discussion about hot water and how cold it was. The conversation then veered to a level of how we were going to shower because there was no hot water in the building. Three of us decided to give our suggestions. The one who thought he had the brightest idea then goes 'Can't we boil water and then pour it into a bucket and use it'. I reply him very tersely 'There is no bucket in the house'. He then goes  'what about using a pot'. By pot he meant a cooking pot and I looked at him in disbelief and said 'aww dude, i haven't used pot to bath in my life and you want me to use pot in JAND'. Please people how can you use a pot to bath. To make matters worse, the pots in the house were all dirty so to follow his plan was to wash the pots, then pick the chosen bathing pot and then carry it to the shower. I was completely astonished by such a suggestion.

Moving on to a different situation is a very different situation.  This boy had a phone bill of 300pounds and decided not to pay/ could not pay for it. So he was using wifi, this means he could only connect in houses that had an Internet router. He then decided to visit his friend and of course there is no wifi on the trains so he couldn't tell whether his friend was home or not albeit the friend is usually at home. He then gets to the door and knocks for ages. The friend was not there and so there was no means of contacting him. This boy had to stoop so low to lean closely to the door of the house to get adequate wifi coverage from the house and contact his friend. His friend then came back and caught him leaning on the door and bbming. The lengths that people go these days to bbm..lol. The eventual outcome was that the boy had to go pay that bill in order to prevent a further stoop like that.

The last scene that I'm going to write about in this post has to do with the club. I have mentioned earlier in other posts that when you go to the club be prepared for the unexpected. I went for a party recently and beforehand it was clearly stated that normal entry was 7pounds and the VIP would be 20pounds. So advance warning was given to everyone. On my way to the cloakroom i saw a geezer walk in with just a single 5pound note hoping to enter. He was even pleading that it was his last cash. I was baffled. That is even lower than the standard entry and it means that he does not intend to have a drink, he is just around to listen to jams and cool off. This is shocking behaviour as far as I'm concerned. When you're super low on chips, please endeavour not to try and take this kind of piss that the aforementioned man did. You will not have cool fun and you will make a nuisance of the clubbing experience.

THE END.lol

Aight then B

 The Graduation period is always a time of reflection on your time spent in that institution and also time to look forward to what one is going to do in  the next stage of their life. Congratulations to anyone graduating in 2011 whether its from Primary school or University or anywhere therein. As I graduate this week, I am part of this 2011 class.I would like to cast my mind back to a couple encounters within the last few weeks and maybe years that definitely have to be considered stoops.

My friend just told me about an episode that occurred when we were still in secondary school. He had a Nike bag that he had bought for use to carry his book and stationery and the likes. During Visiting days, People used to take some of their food from the day such as chocolates, cakes and the likes back to the hostel to eat at a future time although they were seen as contraband. So on this very visiting day, My friend left his bag somewhere and didn't find it again. He scoured every nook and cranny of the large loyola campus. He then decided to check all the boys hostel rooms and saw it one beside a popular seniors bed. He unzipped his bag to make sure that the contents were safe. Lo and behold he saw a 'nylon bag' filled to the brim with garri and also a piece of cake wrapped in some foil paper. Let me reiterate that all food items were contraband and could lead to suspension. So while I heard this story I could only help but ponder whether this boy was willing to risk his status as a student for garri not even chocolates or sweets. Second thing that came to my mind was this strange combination of garri and cake. Could the garri have been the main course and the cake the dessert or vice versa. Those two should not be smuggled together..ever

Another funny story is my friends father. He is on of the funniest people I've met but his stoop shows that everyone old or young, rich or poor are susceptible to stooping. When one wants to cut their nails or trim it, they generally  use nail cutters or those with bad habits will use their teeth and bite the excess off. In the case of my friends dad he uses 'Tiger razor blade' to cut his nails and he does it with so much precision that I was almost tempted to try it. This razor blade issue is funny because I hadn't seen him cut his nails but i saw the wrapper on the floor and asked who was using blade and was told he used it to cut his nails. He also christened me with a new name as if I don't have enough names or pseudo names already. I have been called 'kels'. s-kel, kele, somkele, esquel, somkie and more but nothing could prepare me for what he called me. I think he forgot my name for a second and wanted to tell me to run an errand. He then opened his mouth and called me 'kilishi'. I have been called a number of things but I think this name kilishi takes the prize. Not only can my name not be remembered but it is also similar to a hard edible piece of meat.

Stooperstars

I'm back people. I have been in exam mode but now I am don with it so back on the lookout I am. To borrow a coined phrase from my friend the below mentioned people are a few of the people I feel are Stooperstars in their own right.

I'll start of with my friend A. He was broke at some point after the summer because of his sheer negligence.Basically he was going to Nigeria and decided to empty all the money in his account.He forgot that he had some direct debits and so he entered an unplanned overdraft. Lloyds Bank charges about 10pound a day for unplanned overdraft and he was in Nigeria for 2months. It was a heck of a charge when he returned to the country anyway. So after he had paid the charge as well as the phone bill itself he didn't have a lot of money and he had to go back to uni for some reason a resit or something not too sure anymore. He heard through the grapevine that the uni was providing free coach for students from heathrow airport to loughborough. This boy stooped so low to go all the way from canary wharf to heathrow airport first of all on his oyster card and then made the 4 and a half hour journey back to loughborough. This is a total journey time of 6 hours within the same country just because of poverty. Its crazy...

When i was younger, My brother and I were just young stoops. I was chatting with him about some of the crazy stuff we did and its so hilarious i decided to share it. We used to play this thing called counter soccer on the floor of our room. We would cover every aspect of the game. Building stadiums with our Lego blocks, commentating as well as playing, even turning on the AC when it was a winter time match.sigh* We even went as far as making movies with the toys we had. I remember one piggish looking toy that I had back in the day. It was the most over used toy we had even going on to win so many academy awards(yeah we even staged the academy awards). We used it so much that even after the head fell of this damn pig was still acting and still winning these awards. It was acting as Brad Pitt in some 'films' and then as Quasimodo in some, that's versatility.We were young and stoopid really...

On a less personal level I am going to call out Terry G. He is a super talented producer and something fresh in the nigerian music scene but this man is nothing short of a stoop. In his song "akpako master" , he was actually ringing a bell. Yes! a damn secondary school bell. He was just sounding like a ritualist doctor on this one and even has the look to match,. I must say that is a catchy tune. I can imagine him in thew booth saying 'o boy ring that bell again' and then putting down his vocals. The mad man..
AY the comedian is a also a funny man of very little shame. I went for a show of his and this grown as man was jumping up and down in white garments and ringing a bell and acting like a clairvoyant. It was a bit funny but if that was me and i was looking back at the footage i would be super embarrassed.

GATS

I haven't been able to put up new material because people are watching their back out here in the ends but I have put my nose to the ground to fish out some of those people that are still stooping even with the stoop police(me) blaring their sirens around. For clarification, not everything is a stoop even though I'm guilty of this. One of my friends said I was stooping the other day because I called on the security guard to stop a fight that was going on behind me. I was on a chill that night that's why i didn't want any broken bottles behind me. I didn't stoop and I didn't snitch like he said, I merely alerted her attention(yes her!) to a ruckus in my vicinity.

On a different note, I am all for people being nice to animals and all but some people are defo pushing my buttons. I have a friend who recently adopted two frogs. yes two frogs. He even bought a crib for the damn creatures as well as food for them to be eating when he himself has not guaranteed that he Will have his complete meal rations for the day. He even stooped even lower to name these creatures.  Their names are Freddy and Francine, I'm not even sure how he determined one was a girl. If he expected it closely to decide then he is mad. This practice is not new but is usually by girls. Someone I know used to play with frogs when she was younger. She used to wait for it to rain and then stoop so low to enter the swampy areas and then pick up tadpoles and froggy like creatures. She would then put this under her desk when she was in class. It was all good till one day when the frog was fed up of being in hiding under the desk and then lept out into view of her mates. Needless to say she was looked at as a crazy fellow. I always make sure she is indoors when it rains. Please people stick to the normal dog and ps. Cats are not even in my mind because of the numerous Nigerian movies that i watched that had witches who could transform to cats. When i see a black cat I suspect its a witch called imelda or something..

Its very crazy when you know that someone you're calling is not picking up on purpose. I have this friend who when I call him in the morning he never picks up and then calls me back like %hours later saying he was sleeping. This is a damn lie, I know he can see that call and is purposely airing my calls as if I'm a chick blowing up his phone. Even my brother is always airing my calls and then calls me back a week or two later asking whats good. whatever was good, was good two weeks ago i always say to him. In defence of those who do this, they might be busy at that point which is why i caught one of my friends in the toilet without any loo roll. He was so pressed that he burst in there not knowing that he was broke(I.e no paper..lol) and i saw him pacing about tryna think of how he would sort himself out.I ended up going to buy tissue for him but that was an incredible stoop.

Time to get back to revision though, I'll be back when the loughborough massive do what they do best which is Stooping!!!

Na so Craze dey start

The recent delay in posts has been due to my seriously packed schedule as i am in final year not that people have not stooped to their usual lows in the past couple of weeks. Stooping happens everyday and once i see it ill be sure to update, apologies anyway.

I was being screamed at by two of my mates about me being crazy and how I don't act in the normal way that people act. I vehemently denied and then accused both of these men of being equally crazy even if not crazy then 'na so craze dey start'.I'll highlight two stories of my friends to expatiate on this point. One day my friend was chilling in his room and then woke up to someone dressed in white and swaying from left to right and with a white clothe over the head. From the body shape you could tell that it was a girl and she was grunting and making other animal sounds. Anyway he woke up from sleep and decked her to pieces. He actually smashed her through the wardrobe and other parts of her body strewn around the room and eventually booting her out the door.I don't know if this is a normal reaction but i'm sure i would have acted different to this drunk babe. ;) .  I asked him why he did it and he said he was scared. I make sure not watch scary movies with him as a result of this.
Crazy Story number two may not be too nice for the PETA advocates or the fainthearted. A man tied his dog to my friends postbox at his house because it is next to a popular store. This tiny cute dog was barking around 7am because dogs usually do that. My friend was tossing and turning and could not get back to sleep because of the dogs barks. He got up and headed straight from the bed going to challenge this canine head long. Upon sight of the dog, he kicked the dog of its leash and all the way to the other side of the road. With the owner shouting helplessly at him and promising to report him to animal rights groups in the town.My friend responded by saying if they all brought their dogs, he would kick them out as well. If this is not crazy, then i am absolutely lost for words.

On another note, I saw the ugliest man ever today. Dude was definitely joking around coming out  looking like that.IT was a mugshot and he was in jail so i guess he must have committed some serious crime for looking ugg bastard like that. He is the kind of person making some Segun Arinze confident again..

The Worst

I think some of the worst stoops that I recall come from when I was back in secondary school. Trust me, if you went to boarding school, things were really a hustle back in the days. Things like food were high up in the priority list because the school was extremely stingy with their food especially in my first year there. That's why most of us were very skinny back in the days, they used some serious portion control to keep us in check. Although some stubborn ones still found a way to be chubby or fat. This maybe a reason why two boys took it upon themselves to eat several loaves of bread that were for a number of other students. During the Ramadan period, Loyola used to cater for the Muslim students in our school by giving them an earlier breakfast than the other students so that they could fast properly and all. They would set the table up in the night so that in the morning, the students would have no hassle. It was usually at about 4am. Two boys obviously not satisfied by the buns and tea that was for night cap, proceeded to keep awake all night till it was time for the early breakfast. In fact, they woke up earlier because they devised a plan to steal 16loaves of bread. I don't know what hunger came over them but yeah they stooped and stole the 16loaves and ended up getting the beating of their life after leaving the students hungry. One of them didn't eat bread for a while. I'm sure when he saw the loaf he remembered the beat down he suffered because of one of 'its' brothers.

Don't even get me started on visiting days. We were beastly with our requests. Pizza, can drinks, rice, chicken etc. Some people even went as far as being specific. Get me tanta roll from tantalizers, get me this from chocolate royale, get me this from grand square. There were even some days that MacDonald's was available. Bare people scurried all over campus to get a peak of the big mac sandwich. Some parents honoured these request some didn't. By the time I got to SS1, my parents stopped  looking at the list. They would just come with a cooler of jollof rice and fish with some ice cream as desert. They said they were tired of running around Abuja picking up things that would land me in the sick bay the next day. It is not necessary to elaborate on the fact that those on detention the next day were made to clean up the toilets in the classroom area.Now I am looking back, I think that eat everything now or die attitude can be classified as a stoop.

Fast forward to 2010 and I am at a party with some of my friends. We came in a rented car while some of my other friends came to Nottingham with taxi and all that. At the end of the night, the five of us that came in a rented car were ready to go home when we were stopped by a mate of mine. He said that all the people he came in a cab with had left and he must follow us because he didn't want to enter a cab on his jays. I was bemused because the car only takes five people, but then he comes up with a stoop low idea to enter the boot. He ended up entering the trunk of the car from Nottingham to Loughborough for the 25minute drive to save his buck. He even went further to show us it wasn't a thing by sleeping. If the police stopped us, I don't know how we would have explained that it was his choice.

On a different note I have a story to deter those who enjoy picking their nose as a hobby. I have a mate who enjoys picking his nose. He enjoys it so much that he doesn't use only one finger. He invites the others to come and join him in there. He ends up using like three or four of his fingers to get a proper pick of the booger. He now has a big lump in there, from years of picking. Moral of this little story is please use a tissue.

I'm Getting Paper

Nobody can tell me that they have never been in a situation where they are broke or lower in cash than they normally are. Being broke is one of the most annoying situations that you can find yourself in. You keep going to the cash point hoping that your balance,by some miracle, is different from when you checked about five minutes ago. Some times the cash point might even add insult to injury and show account balance 200 and then available balance Nil. This usually happens when you have paid for something that's gone through but the company hasn't taken their money. Its so annoying, why can't they just take the money immediately?Bloody teases!

Anyway, being broke is the number one reason for people stooping low in life. One of the funniest things about some people is that when they are broke, that's when they appreciate their origins and cultures. This is when they start to crave groundnuts, garri, indomie,and the likes. Some people don't necessarily like these things but these are the closest available items to them. They'll say stuff like 'I just really want to soak garri right now'. Mostly a false statement, garri is cheap and available, Pizza hut is a bit out of  grasp at that moment. The worst is when you catch somebody 'soaking' garri twice in one day. There is no alibi for this one, your allowance has finished. You can't have that craving twice a day I don't think. People also do some dastard things in the name of preference. One guy once ordered a 'shot' of lemonade in the club, his excuse to  the bartender was that he doesn't want that much.yeah right. take the normal half pint of lemonade and waste the rest instead.

You also get people telling all sorts of lies. One of my mates once walked with a girl he fancied from the Union to the town centre in loughborough. Its about a 20minute trek and this particular night was cold. Luckily one of my friends has a ride, so I was driven home along with some mates. Anyway I accosted this boy and said to him ' Why you no use cab yesterday.are you skint?' He goes ' nah man, i just wanted fresh air'. The biggest lie of all ages. That same fresh air can be all up on you when you're in the cab and the windows are wound down. I don't think you get more fresh air just because you are walking a bastard long distance. Anyway to end the Convo, I told him he 'runs' this town. This person also decided to reduce the stoop boundaries by buying a veggie kebab the other day.I'll explain this. He came into mine and I saw him with one of these plastic containers that they put fast food in. When he opened it, I stared in disbelief. It was a Veggie Doner. It was literally lettuce, cucumber, tomatoes and cauliflower in pitta bread. He is not a vegetarian by the way. He just wanted to avoid the main part of the doner which is the meat. I think this doner was about fifty p. To even make it worse, he put chilli sauce on the vegetables.

Being broke is something that you can identify on a person when you first set eyes on them. You can notice someones big head, big nose and also the fact that the person must be broke. There are sometimes you can just tell that one is having it hard from their demeanour especially towards the end of the month. I went to A levels in a town where it doesn't matter if you're broke or not. You walk everywhere, food was given to us, the clubs were free and the drinks were mad cheap. Still some of us found it very possible to be broke.This was where I first noticed that you could identify a broke person. That's the worst kind of 'brokeness' is when you are not spending that much money and still broke. It was bad such that two of my friends found it difficult to get back to London for the half term festivities. One of them had to stay an extra day in school so that they would send him money to come back to London. Needless to say, He didn't set too much p that holiday.

Another bad situation to be broke is when you're in a relationship. Someone told me about this one couple, the boy was going through a rough patch and the girl was also in the same situation. These two used to alternate meals. So if the boy eats breakfast, then the girl will eat lunch and then feign a diet and both of them forfeit dinner.This is a massive stoop if it really occurred though. You should just take a break and then when the allowance drops, get back together. I wouldn't say that relationship is expensive but it definitely hard to have a relationship on a budget.

All in all, being broke is not the ideal situation for anyone but it will happen at some point. I think the key to life is to make being broke as rare an occurrence as possible.