Don't Burst My Brain

 Week 6 in Lagos and I am really struggling to comprehend where all you staunch Lagosians get your energy from. There is always something going on out here and never on a small scale. Weddings on a grand scale, birthdays on a grand scale, funerals on a grand scale, even going for drinks is on a grand scale. I tire o!

Anyway kicking off this edition of stoops is a story that I heard from a friend about rocks on a grand scale.
So this guy had gone for a night out and was super lit at the end of the night. Instead of getting in a cab or being driven, he decided he was going to drive himself home. As he started his commute,it started raining and if you know Lagos, you know the rain does not play even with Noah. To add to this rain, his windshield wipers were not working so he was basically driving blind. After a while he realised that the lights from other cars were blinding, which is when he realised he was driving on the other side of the road. He had two options, either bash into an oncoming car or give them gutter levels and he chose the latter. Fast forward to 5 minutes later, he was in the gutter and had blood on his forehead and bants. He opened his eyes to see 20 men outside and all signalling him to wind down his windows (If you also know Lagos, there is no bigger gathering of Alaye boys than  a car is in distress). He was panicking, but in his stupor decided that maybe they were trying to help him and wound down. He was alarmed when the 20 pair of hands reached him and started moving all possible goods inside (he is still in his car in the gutter by the way). He managed to hold his laptop and tried to swat one of his assailants with it( he is still in his car in the gutter by the way). Sha, some of them ran away and he wound up the hands of those who refused to fade. After they shouted in agony for a few seconds, he let go and three of them helped him out for a fee. He proceeded to continue driving (I know, nuts!). After a few short yards, he entered another gutter. This time around he leapt out of the window on some action rocks and wanted to push out the car on his own. Imagine him, in his white trad, in the gutter, trying to push a car alone, in the rain. Anyway, he managed to get hold of a tow truck and it towed his car to his house. This is 4.15am. He walks straight to his dad, blood on forehead, gutter juices on his trad and says "Dad, I need 15k for the tow truck". Don't Burst My Brain

Secondly, let me speak on another issue. Some of our Nigerian parents never realise how old we are till we are in marital homes and this applies to men and women. I was with a group of friends recently and one of us got a call from his dad. Ring, Ring and he picks up the phone. The first thing he hears is "Come Here". No hello, no greeting, just straight to the point. It got me so baffled. Firstly,Where is here? It could literally be anywhere in the world. Secondly, where does he think my friend is? Thirdly, Come on, this is a grown man.Lol. Anyway, it turns out it wasn't for anything important. His father just wanted him close by. Don't Burst My Brain.

Thirdly, let me briefly touch on support staff in Lagos. By this I mean, gatemen, security staff, bouncers and professional car parkers. These guys will do and say anything to get a dollar out of you. There is no name I haven't heard in these 6weeks and it's all for the paper."Ah Golden Boy","OBO", "Tuale your Excellency", "D'prince". I will just be listening and thinking this is a well oiled machine in action . If you get lost in the sauce and give them money, just know the next person behind you is going to get the same hailings. These guys are better at 'Washing" than the so called Yoruba Demons. Don't be fooled. Once they get their dough, your just another Lagosian to them.

Coming to Nigeria: Wawu

The hiatus from blogging has been necessitated by my growth from university to being a full fledged man (at least I hope). Nevertheless, my humourous take on otherwise pathetic or sometimes serious situations is not going anwhere any time soon. So permit me to share part of my three week journey as the newest IJGB(oshe!) in Lagos.
For years I have always wanted to live in Lagos. I mean I was practically born in Lagos but since  secondary school, my time in Lagos has been limited to short bursts. I always know that I'm headed back to Abuja or London. So on March 30th, I landed in the city of Lagos as a grown man  ready to join the explosive people in Lagos to "blow". I do not need to go through the usual Murtala Mohammed Airport shenanigans but I will so that I can paint a picture. Whiffs and tangs of body odor, the ever vigilant mind to prevent the next man from shunting, heat from the deepest part of hell, 'trolley holders' desperate to help with luggage, Jidenna in the corner realising that this isn't the place for a Classic man, Immigration officials with cursory looks at your documents, and so on. Inspite of this, I was happy to be in the city of Champions.

My first observation is that owning a dog is now in fashion not Bingos and the Rottweilers I'm used to, but all types of dogs with fancy names and fancy looks. This brings me to my first stoop. A friend of mine decided that he was going to join the dog club as it was something he had spoken about for a long time. He bought a dog but for the sake of anonymity I wont reveal the breed. From Day one, the dog had been sick and poorly. Infact I told him point blank that he bought a dead dog. The first time the dog was taken to the vet, it had some bugs on its skin, second time it turned out a disease was making the dog paralysed and on its third visit, it truly was a dead dog. He then put on his  snapchat saying RIP to the dog, but I had already told him it was an imminent result. So desperate was he to get a dog, that he bought a corpse to start with. As we speak he is waiting on a new litter from the dead ones mum so that he can replace it. Hope lightning wont strike twice in the same place.

Second observation is that  the customer service in Lagos is on a next level. I went to some store to get a few things in V.I. I 'placed my focus' on one of the workers and told him what I wanted from the store. I then turned around and was telling a friend about some funny gist. As I was speaking, I heard a laugh that I was unfamiliar with, in perfect timing with what I was saying. I looked back and realised that the shop attendant hadn't even dealt with my request but was 'pon his knees guffawing. I looked at him and then he embarrassed, decided to finally treat my request. I told him "Uche face your work o". Anyway thats Customer service for you here. They act like they are doing the customer a favour as opposed to how it should really be .

Final observation on this post is that  the bouncers in Lagos really feel like they are Emperor Caesar (collectively that is). I went to GATP on one of these sundays just to see how it all is now because I remember going for the first ever one. I had "baffed" up looking like one janded guy looking to show them in Lagos that we 'ouchea' for real. As I was approaching the door, the bouncer placed a firm hand on the middle of my chest basically halting my movement. I couldnt believe it. Not even a question, not even a chance to plead my case, not even a look at my decking, not even a look at the pattern carefully drawn in my hair, I was shut down. He looked so proud of himself that he had the keys the keys the keys, to my entry. I just walked away and ended up somewhere else. I haven't been bounced in years so that helped remind me that truly I was truly IN Lagos.

Anyway, I am now on my first month and believe my honeymoon period is over. I expect more brutal incidences in future posts.

INSTAstoopendous

It has been a long time since I posted so I decided to let steam off from a busy day by sharing my insights on the deception from men and women in the cyber world. The good thing about the advent of apps like Twitter and Instagram is that they help form an alter ego which is an escape from your true person. I will therefore expand into the Insta Stoops as I call them because as a sometimes thirsty man, I have been disappointed.

Instagram filters are so powerful that they can make shrek look like Brad Pitt. They can give a 'six pack' to those searching for their first' pack', Biceps to the needy,as well as make a flat babe the shapiest thing since Toolz. The key to this Instagram deception ,that I am now learning, is the camera angle and body posturing. For girls, to create and illusion of being busty, the user is to place camera from an upward angle while wearing a camisole(sp) or a tank top of some sort. When I see that picture, I'm in awe and quickly like the picture only to be disappointed when i see the person in real life. Body Posturing is the biggest wash, a little arch in the back and voila and ass is available to the flat chicks.I'm not even hating on this hustle because packaging is the most important thing to create a different persona or enhance ones own. MY own is don't be so extra with the lies because one day you must come away from them lo-fi filters and we will see you in real life (insert emoji eyes here).

Guys please I have been watching you as well. You have your own means to trick the ladies. The short fellas never stoop and put full length pictures otherwise it will be obvious that they are not up to the kitchen cabinet. These lads give us picstitch of their heads,their shoes and then the upper torso. What we really want to see is all them parts as one to ascertain your height dude.Nothing wrong with being vertically challenged, I'm not a tall man myself. Those who are very dark will now be using some brightening techniques from our be funky app, but when i see you, you look like the original black diamond.

I'm not saying that you should not use filters or airbrushing but a complete misrepresentation of yourself for the sole purpose of likes or deception is a STOOP.




Disclaimer: this is not about anyone specifically but merely observations from my overall perusal of the app.

Stoop 'tins'-

So I know that I have been on a hiatus from this but i had my exams then and then I proceeded to do my Masters.Anyway, I'm back now so yeah. While I was gone I  still kept my eyes peeled on all the shameless people who have refused to change their ways.

I will start with this babe who came to my friends house. We were just chilling playing Fifa and yarning as we do on a lowkey day. The babe had just finished smoking a cigarette and claimed that she needed to wash her hand. She went straight to the toilet to wash her hand and that's when the whole stoop 'tin' happened. The hand wash was little but it was the kind of thing that you could tip over and still get some liquid to come out. Oh but No this just wouldn't do for this babe she had to wash her hand to a certain specification. So what did she do, after looking around for a suitable substitute for the handwash, she looked down into the cabinet below. She then to my astonishment, pulled out a pack of DAZ(thats like ariel or omo for those who don't know) and poured a heap on her right hand. As if this was not enough, she decided to run some water on this particular hand of hers which im guessing was so it could lather or some bants. She scrubbed her hands thoroughly as if she was washing a dirty towel. This is totally unacceptable and if you would do the same as well then you should slap your self.

On a different day but in the same venue another babe was in the house. She was here for a  games night but she came across some lipstick that she liked on one of the tables in the parlour. I don't know how you try to check the colour as girls but what she did really took me by surprise. She used her index finger and smudged of the lipstick from the lipstick bants and decided to rub it on her wrist like she was trying out perfume. I confronted her and asked her what the hell she was doing. She even still had the effrontery to argue that what she did was right that she just wanted to check the colour. This was a stoop to me, I dont care if its not a stoop to you. Its never that serious to check ruby woo or whatever they call those things.

P.s shoutout to all those stooping on instagram.I'll elaborate in my next post..swaggy.

Aww Dude

There is no harm in being yourself or keeping it real. Sometimes though keeping it real may be just a tad bit too real and all. Sometimes when I hear something very ridiculous or something I can't believe i usually respond with 'Aww Dude' hence the title of this post.

The other day I was riding to Leicester with two of my friends and then  we were having a discussion about hot water and how cold it was. The conversation then veered to a level of how we were going to shower because there was no hot water in the building. Three of us decided to give our suggestions. The one who thought he had the brightest idea then goes 'Can't we boil water and then pour it into a bucket and use it'. I reply him very tersely 'There is no bucket in the house'. He then goes  'what about using a pot'. By pot he meant a cooking pot and I looked at him in disbelief and said 'aww dude, i haven't used pot to bath in my life and you want me to use pot in JAND'. Please people how can you use a pot to bath. To make matters worse, the pots in the house were all dirty so to follow his plan was to wash the pots, then pick the chosen bathing pot and then carry it to the shower. I was completely astonished by such a suggestion.

Moving on to a different situation is a very different situation.  This boy had a phone bill of 300pounds and decided not to pay/ could not pay for it. So he was using wifi, this means he could only connect in houses that had an Internet router. He then decided to visit his friend and of course there is no wifi on the trains so he couldn't tell whether his friend was home or not albeit the friend is usually at home. He then gets to the door and knocks for ages. The friend was not there and so there was no means of contacting him. This boy had to stoop so low to lean closely to the door of the house to get adequate wifi coverage from the house and contact his friend. His friend then came back and caught him leaning on the door and bbming. The lengths that people go these days to bbm..lol. The eventual outcome was that the boy had to go pay that bill in order to prevent a further stoop like that.

The last scene that I'm going to write about in this post has to do with the club. I have mentioned earlier in other posts that when you go to the club be prepared for the unexpected. I went for a party recently and beforehand it was clearly stated that normal entry was 7pounds and the VIP would be 20pounds. So advance warning was given to everyone. On my way to the cloakroom i saw a geezer walk in with just a single 5pound note hoping to enter. He was even pleading that it was his last cash. I was baffled. That is even lower than the standard entry and it means that he does not intend to have a drink, he is just around to listen to jams and cool off. This is shocking behaviour as far as I'm concerned. When you're super low on chips, please endeavour not to try and take this kind of piss that the aforementioned man did. You will not have cool fun and you will make a nuisance of the clubbing experience.

THE END.lol

Aight then B

 The Graduation period is always a time of reflection on your time spent in that institution and also time to look forward to what one is going to do in  the next stage of their life. Congratulations to anyone graduating in 2011 whether its from Primary school or University or anywhere therein. As I graduate this week, I am part of this 2011 class.I would like to cast my mind back to a couple encounters within the last few weeks and maybe years that definitely have to be considered stoops.

My friend just told me about an episode that occurred when we were still in secondary school. He had a Nike bag that he had bought for use to carry his book and stationery and the likes. During Visiting days, People used to take some of their food from the day such as chocolates, cakes and the likes back to the hostel to eat at a future time although they were seen as contraband. So on this very visiting day, My friend left his bag somewhere and didn't find it again. He scoured every nook and cranny of the large loyola campus. He then decided to check all the boys hostel rooms and saw it one beside a popular seniors bed. He unzipped his bag to make sure that the contents were safe. Lo and behold he saw a 'nylon bag' filled to the brim with garri and also a piece of cake wrapped in some foil paper. Let me reiterate that all food items were contraband and could lead to suspension. So while I heard this story I could only help but ponder whether this boy was willing to risk his status as a student for garri not even chocolates or sweets. Second thing that came to my mind was this strange combination of garri and cake. Could the garri have been the main course and the cake the dessert or vice versa. Those two should not be smuggled together..ever

Another funny story is my friends father. He is on of the funniest people I've met but his stoop shows that everyone old or young, rich or poor are susceptible to stooping. When one wants to cut their nails or trim it, they generally  use nail cutters or those with bad habits will use their teeth and bite the excess off. In the case of my friends dad he uses 'Tiger razor blade' to cut his nails and he does it with so much precision that I was almost tempted to try it. This razor blade issue is funny because I hadn't seen him cut his nails but i saw the wrapper on the floor and asked who was using blade and was told he used it to cut his nails. He also christened me with a new name as if I don't have enough names or pseudo names already. I have been called 'kels'. s-kel, kele, somkele, esquel, somkie and more but nothing could prepare me for what he called me. I think he forgot my name for a second and wanted to tell me to run an errand. He then opened his mouth and called me 'kilishi'. I have been called a number of things but I think this name kilishi takes the prize. Not only can my name not be remembered but it is also similar to a hard edible piece of meat.

Stooperstars

I'm back people. I have been in exam mode but now I am don with it so back on the lookout I am. To borrow a coined phrase from my friend the below mentioned people are a few of the people I feel are Stooperstars in their own right.

I'll start of with my friend A. He was broke at some point after the summer because of his sheer negligence.Basically he was going to Nigeria and decided to empty all the money in his account.He forgot that he had some direct debits and so he entered an unplanned overdraft. Lloyds Bank charges about 10pound a day for unplanned overdraft and he was in Nigeria for 2months. It was a heck of a charge when he returned to the country anyway. So after he had paid the charge as well as the phone bill itself he didn't have a lot of money and he had to go back to uni for some reason a resit or something not too sure anymore. He heard through the grapevine that the uni was providing free coach for students from heathrow airport to loughborough. This boy stooped so low to go all the way from canary wharf to heathrow airport first of all on his oyster card and then made the 4 and a half hour journey back to loughborough. This is a total journey time of 6 hours within the same country just because of poverty. Its crazy...

When i was younger, My brother and I were just young stoops. I was chatting with him about some of the crazy stuff we did and its so hilarious i decided to share it. We used to play this thing called counter soccer on the floor of our room. We would cover every aspect of the game. Building stadiums with our Lego blocks, commentating as well as playing, even turning on the AC when it was a winter time match.sigh* We even went as far as making movies with the toys we had. I remember one piggish looking toy that I had back in the day. It was the most over used toy we had even going on to win so many academy awards(yeah we even staged the academy awards). We used it so much that even after the head fell of this damn pig was still acting and still winning these awards. It was acting as Brad Pitt in some 'films' and then as Quasimodo in some, that's versatility.We were young and stoopid really...

On a less personal level I am going to call out Terry G. He is a super talented producer and something fresh in the nigerian music scene but this man is nothing short of a stoop. In his song "akpako master" , he was actually ringing a bell. Yes! a damn secondary school bell. He was just sounding like a ritualist doctor on this one and even has the look to match,. I must say that is a catchy tune. I can imagine him in thew booth saying 'o boy ring that bell again' and then putting down his vocals. The mad man..
AY the comedian is a also a funny man of very little shame. I went for a show of his and this grown as man was jumping up and down in white garments and ringing a bell and acting like a clairvoyant. It was a bit funny but if that was me and i was looking back at the footage i would be super embarrassed.